Normally ‘airy-fairy’ brands of inspiration/self help etc make me nauseous, I haven’t usually got time for all that self-love malarkey, like a typical British cynic. But lately I’m starting to think there might be something in it. I’m not going to rush out and join a cult or anything, but I might actually start taking the time to take care of myself instead of being my own harshest critic.
I am a worrier by nature, I stress myself out to the point of making myself ill and nothing is ever good enough, I am never satisfied with myself or my work. However I’ve decided this needs to stop if I’m ever going to get anywhere. Years of my parents and loved one’s support and praise has fallen on deaf ears and that’s not fair to anyone. I’ve spent a long time defining myself as an academic and little else, which is never enough and I am never good enough to be satisfied with my academic work. Because perfect still isn’t good enough, despite the fact I never achieve it anyway. But no more! I am finally going to start exploring the world of possibilities open to me, and I will begin to make time for and embrace the things that make me happy.
I have a list of mostly creative things I am going to try, and I’m not going to bully myself if I don’t maintain them for long, which I hope will make me happier. The list is as follows;
- Keep a scrap book of things I like & dreams I have
- Sew more
- Start painting again
- Write on here more (although perhaps not with self inflicted deadlines?)
- Allow myself a treat every now and again, like a new nail varnish to try
- Start pampering myself a bit with beauty products I like
- Get rid of all the old crap I don’t want or use (de-clutter my life)
- Find some books to read for pleasure
- Perhaps look in to doing posts on beauty products
- Watch more films
- Take more baths
- Plan trips to museums etc for my days off
- Sing and dance along to music in my room more (no one needs to see that)
- Stop putting pressure on myself to be some sort of domestic goddess
- Look into customising some of my shoes/clothes etc
- Start going to the gym/running again
- Get fun hair back
So that’s quite a lengthy list and that’s just what’s come to mind now, and already I have that horribly feeling that someone will be out there taking the piss. But you know what, if you are, go fuck yourselves you miserable little shits. Also it’s about to get a lot more tree-huggy.
I’ve also decided to make the effort to change the way I think on a daily basis, in order to further my own happiness. Perhaps it’s a product of a culture of crappy magazines pointing out every flaw, or an ideal we’re all supposed to live up to, or maybe I’m just a cow but I find myself noticing flaws in people for no good reason at all. Perhaps it’s jealousy but I know I’m not alone in not being able to help notice if so-and-so’s got a big nose or shit hair, and it’s a crappy bitchy way to be. Not to mention it doesn’t do anyone any favours. But from now on I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to notice positive things about people. I always thought of myself as a nice person but I have fallen pray to this bitchy mindset for whatever reason. I know I’m nowhere near perfect or what I want to be, but it’s like I automatically hold other people to an impossibly high standard, and I don’t know why.
So instead of noticing that girl’s shit shoes I’m going to attempt to pay attention to her nice hair and wonder how she did that do, or something. I’m making myself cringe with my own cheesey-ness but I honestly think people would be a lot happier if they focused on the positive more than the negative, and I might actually start to see the positive in me more too.
Alright enough lovey dovey shit for one post, sorry to everyone who feels uncomfortable since reading this.